What is a leppo? – This burning question answered

Surprisingly unknown to many, leppos are humanoids like those from Middle Earth. Their origin is in Raqqa, whence the terms raqqet and raqqeteering. They are now found worldwide. They sometimes take on human appearance, but perceptive scrutiny can see always through their many disguises. They have adapted well to – or infiltrated – urban and suburban environments. Appearing warm and cuddly at first, their mood can turn quickly and reward the unsuspecting with a vicious, often poisonous bite. Originally scavengers and predators eating dead and decaying matter, they prefer to feed off the gifts of the people they have gulled and often raid food pantries. They leave behind feces and disease, polluting the human food supply. Those who are in the know can locate them year-round, but they typically become more visible to most of us around Hallowe’en every other year. Their facial expressions, or masks, are well suited to this holiday. Like science-fiction creatures concealing their real appearance, their real but unacknowledged ambition is to conquer the world. Though pests themselves, they cunningly promise to rid us of the other pests, if only we give them the ability to do so.

Male leppos have type A personalities. Greedy to get our food, they promise to deliver us from the other undesirable pests, like skunks, rats, hedgehogs, possums, and the like, but of course at the price of granting them that power. They like to brag and beat their chest like Tarzan. One is on the Presidential ballot. Promising to stem the invasion of foreign mice and rats, this authoritarian faux Republican now brags about his big, beautiful door to let them back in. With a siren call he guarantees to keep our food supply safe and growing. But we have only his word, backed by a sad record of vainglory and muddled policies enunciated, revised, then taken back or reversed. Despite their vehemence, leppo promises, no matter how appealing, never pan out.

There are two kinds of female leppos. With serpentine mellifluousness one kind simply promises to rid us of the male leppos. This might appear desirable, since the leppo population would then dwindle. But dangling sexual blandishments these sirens seduce and then mate with the male leppos, producing rino-leppos. This tragically increases the leppo population considerably. The other kind of female affects a retreat into a devious catatonia signaled by an evil rictus in their mask. They use human surrogates for their ends, treating them like the vermin the males vainly promise to eradicate. Less direct than the males, these females are even more untrustworthy.

Gary Johnson of course knew what leppos were, but for political purposes chose to play possum. We now have two leppos on the presidential ballot. They are likely citizens born in the US, though in an underground burrow. But if a leppo we must have, how to break the conundrum of how to vote? The female spreading stolen gifts to voters has charmed them and appears destined to win. A vote for her would be unconscionable. Some argue the male leppo is less harmful than the female, who is of the second kind. If every single vote counted, it might be reasonable to vote for him. But if he is destined for a big loss, why waste a vote and go along with his fracturing of the Republican Party? A vote for the loser would be wasted since it would not signal our aversion to the future leppo empire.

Why not reform the system and create a negative vote? Such a vote would deduct from the total of the candidate receiving it. Then a negative vote for the female leppo would reveal our disdain, and would spare us a positive vote for the male. But in the absence of this sensible reform, fortunately we do not have to vote for a leppo. There are humans on the ballot. There are also in the presidential contest a human Lewis-Carroll-like marijuana-saturated caterpillar and two actual humans: a radical physician and a moderate conservative, Evan McMullin. A vote for the latter would appear best.    Troglo

Troglo (L. H. Kevil)

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